pointless blogging

i hope you see this somehow

2010-12-30T16:40:00.002+08:00

i love you. and right now the only wish I have is that you are mine for me to say those words. I can hold you and kiss you and be by your side and I know you know how I feel, but my heart is still tearing out of my chest and crying out those three words I can't say, because even though we're thisclose to defining that line we've crossed so long ago, we still haven't. I love you. and even though I've given you so much I know there's still so much more I can give, so much more we can give. I love you. and I only wish right now that you'll see this somehow.

This is what love looks like

2007-11-06T22:41:00.000+08:00

Really this is! So I screwed my Social Studies paper big time. It's a hint that I shan't go to the arts stream. Maybe science is really for me. So friends are the love. No matter what happens two months later, you'll know they'll always stick by you, because they're the ones who witnessed you burn your eyebrows over SriLanka Northern Ireland and International Conflicts which all did not come out and they're the ones who watched you get over it when your one-day hardcore studying came to nothing and they're the ones who'll hang around and chill with you anyway because they want to and they have to and they need to and because they probably screwed one paper or another and you want to keep them company and hang around 'em and chill with them because you want to and you have to and you need to and it's a mutual thing anyway and amidst all these you start to realize just how blessed you are and you start to realize just what secondary life is all about and you smile to yourself because you know you've won something and you know you'll never lose it come what may :)

you said I said we're better off like this.

2007-11-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

Here's a quickie. I'm updating because I don't want to seem too busy and appear as if I don't have the time to do anything else other than studying. Because I do have the spare time and I do have things to do other than studying. But I don't have the substance for my posts. But anyway, it's just about time, because see, it's the second last month of the year already! Oh my gulay! So it's been about a month since school closed. I've got six papers left and O levels will be over in less than two weeks. And after that it's way to go Korea! YAY YAY YAY! And then it's home dolly dolly sweet home! And then it's new year new life new guy new problem new heartache. Haha See I get too excitable like this.

I'm too young for this.

2007-10-15T20:46:00.000+08:00

I'm stressed. Maybe we're taking this way too seriously.

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshman.

God i feel so uninspired.

I just had too much to drink.

2007-10-08T01:21:00.000+08:00

So I wasn't the first one to notice that
Promotion Status: Completed S4 Express
at the bottom half of the report card.

And I wasn't the first one to realize what that really means. That we truly are moving on. And that the next few weeks are nothing but a final gateway we have to pass, like it or not. Most of us won't be returning, but we will be turning back, again and again. I know I will.

Because I know there'll come a time when the world will just slip on my hands, revolve under my feet without my even noticing, and I'll be one of those bitches who can't grab life for what it's worth; but there'll always be something I can hold on to.

Thank you all for the memories.
Take care now.

There goes our goodbye.

2007-09-30T10:22:00.000+08:00

I wonder how the graduation day would be if that was really the last day of school. I probably would have cried. Because that would mean not seeing Nadhirah and Fatin until the first day of O'levels. That would mean not getting to sit at our favourite spot in the canteen; not getting to chitchat at the fourth floor staircase near the John, facing the Serangoon river and the canopy of trees; not getting to lame around with Cherie and Joscelin nor 'flirt' with HuiYi. Well, basically that would mean the end. But because we know that there's another week, another chance, to do all these, the night has yet to come.

Do all things work this way?
I'd have done it right the first time. Or not have done it at all.

Sunday blues.

2007-09-23T09:25:00.001+08:00

It's pouring hard-on outside. I like it like this. Do you ever watch the world from afar when it rains? I mean, just really watch. Do it from the top. The cold gray skies. The line of rooftops. The flats, houses and condominiums. The lawns, the track and the moor-like fields. The trees swaying to the rhythm of the rain. When it's raining like this, the world seems to go silent. And the only sign of life outside is the occasional trucks and cars passing by. Everyone nestles in the comforts of home. And the world outside is left quiet at last.

There are so many memories that rain brings to me. No wonder they say childhood is very important. It keeps you going on times like this. I'm feeling rather PMS-y right now and I could just cry for about anything. Anything at all. Like the fact that going back home this Christmas will be nothing more, if nothing less, than a torture. God I just miss Kathy and Vem right now. Now that I come to think of it, they are like my all-time best friends. They are sooo very different from each other and I run to them for different reasons. You have one to listen to your rants and will continue listening till probably the end of the world. Then you have one to give you the in-your-face truth; to shake you up so that you'll open your eyes, wake up from your dream and accept reality. And the fact that they are way on the other side of the globe, not coming back home this Christmas, is just arrgggghh! There you go.

Dress-up King.

2007-09-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

I'm pausing my playlist. Fergie's London Bridge is on and it's not at all the kind of music I listen to whenever I want to blog.

Victoria Junior College.
My dad has been dropping hints about this one. Seriously. But whenever he lets 'em Victoria is a decent one, I heard comments of his slip, my ears automatically transform into a hollow tube of air passage and I don't hear a thing he says anymore. Well, put all that in the past tense.

I just had this sudden need, or want, or maybe even obsession to get into Victoria. The roots of which are still not very clear to me. Well it's probably Hailey's telling me about how Adilah's brother was super semangat (semangat sangat!) about getting into Temasek JC, that he printed out TJC insignia stickers and adhered them wherever possible (ok whatev that's an overstatement.) Or it's probably because of this VJC girl who's at the same bus stop at nearly the same time as me every morning of every day. Ok, nothing special about her, except perhaps that her bag is super cool. But anyway, there's just something attractive about VJC. Maybe it's the very fact that it is VJC.

But then again, it just might be because of all the bastards in this world. Really. All of them who, in one way or another, at one point in one time, have caused you so much pain you barely know existed. They who have caused you tears which, looking back now, you can't even recall what exactly were for. Not that my life is this dramatic. But sometimes it just feels so idyll, I guess, to have a reason, to have an answer whenever they ask 'why do you study so hard', to not merely accept what is in front of me but to actually crave for what my eyes behold, and I guess, to have something that I can proudly shout out to the world and beyond

'this is it, here's what I'm fighting for'

Root beer float.

2007-09-12T20:32:00.000+08:00

I still remember the last time I lost a wallet. If I remember it right, it was on the 21 Dec 2002. It was Christmas holidays and we were back at Baguio City (the place where I spent my primary 4 and 5 days) So we were just walking around, looking for the mini-cafe where we used to spend a huge portion of our after-school hours. It was so fly because the weather was perfect. Chilly, but not mouth-chattering bone-freezing chilly. Cloudy, but not dark mood-spoiler cloudy. I was super at high because I was set to meet someone the next day. So I offered to give my cousin a treat. Just midday snack, a burger and root beer float, my god that was heaven. But just then, in the middle of that noisy crowd all out on a Saturday, just then, I realized that my wallet was gone. The feeling was sickening, like falling off a chair just when you're taking a seat and someone pulled the chair away, but only realizing that no one actually pulled it away it's just that you missed it by an inch. And right then and there I stopped. God I felt like crying. And all I managed was a weak, pathetic 'let's just go back home' kind of sob. So we did.

Anyway let me talk about the wallet. It was given by the very cousin right there with me. Well, I actually forced her to give it to me a few months back. It's a Garfield wallet, moss green (or olive green, I'm not good with colours) with copper brown lining. There was no coin compartment but it was pretty fly. I was in love with it, I swear to god I was! I lost it together with P3000.00 huge huge money, because I was only 12 back then and P3000 was like a really huge deal. There were many other memorabilia kept in it, like my P4 school ID, Ryan's P5 school ID, Daniel's first love letter, and Ryan's Ghostfighter bookmark. I swear those stuffs are so much valuable than the stupid P3000 x100!

I've found the nearest copycat of that wallet though, a good few months back. Well it's not garfield and it isn't moss green (or olive green, I really don't know) but it's brown and it's as good as it gets, plus the lining is copper brown too and plus plus there's no coin compartment either. But just like its A-list model, it was gone without my even knowing. But the thing is I'm not even the least bit sad. Really I'm not. I've lost one before haven't I?

It is just a second best, after all.

thousand years and two galaxies away.

2007-09-08T22:11:00.000+08:00

Here's random:
you can't even get less than you deserve. Now that's sad.
haha for you.

Ok, holidays are nearly over. Past week was definitely refreshing. It's almost like an interval. So on monday there'd exactly be 42days left to Os. And graduation ceremony is in less than 3weeks. Alright, on times like this I'd normally feel sad. But I can't tell you how relieved I am. I guess the thing about endings is that, they always make you look forward to something else, something unfamiliar and unpredictable that you start to believe it's something better. And when that something finally comes, it doesn't really matter if it's better or worse, because you know that it'll also have an ending. And then you can start to hope again. And the cycle goes on, just as life does.

It's so fascinating when you realize that time carries you like a waterfall, flowing past all the rocks and woods but still not stopping. You start to accept just how nothing will ever slow down for you. And you start to decide whether you'd rather get left behind or agree with the flow.

Here's not so random:
I still miss you once in a while, but I choose not to get left behind.
See you around.

let me reset this goddam clock.

2007-09-02T09:57:00.000+08:00

I guess it's finally time to pick up the pieces, sort out the good ones and the bad ones and throw everything else. It's time I re-prioritize my life. Last last tuesday I thought was the closure. But even after so many words and tears, there were just so much more left unsaid. And it has been dragging me down for so long I just can't quite take it anymore.

Sometimes as much as you don't want to let go, or can't let go, you just have to. In my case, I'm holding on to the wrong person. Really. These past 2 weeks I've been telling myself that one day he'll come back to me, and that I'd wait no matter how long it takes. But then I realised that what I'm holding on to is as good as thin air, it's nothing.

The truth is I hate myself. All those nights and days that I cried, I just realised, was not for him. It was for me, for what I've done, for the guilt. I hate myself for going behind my friend's back. My one best friend. I'm the worst, really. And to expect her to understand me is just way too much to ask. Sometimes I still can't believe how selfish I've become, for this one person who's not even worth any of it.

I used to blame myself for what happened. But looking back, probably my one only mistake is that I believed him. I let him fool me. Or, I let myself fool me. The single mistake I made is one that I could not have avoided. It's my nature. I'm weak.

Listen to me, this post is for you. One day everything will make sense. We're drifting apart, but I know better now. I'm sorry for what I've done. You'll always be my babe.

The clock chimed 12:00 but the shoe was nowhere to be found.

2007-08-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

It has been surreal from the moment it started. And now that's exactly where we are, back to the starting line, to zero. Well, this week was... ugh. Tell me what this week was. It was rather bumpy, yes indeed. I wish I could say everything I want to say right now. But that's the thing with blogging, you can't honestly say everything you want to say. But if I may...

So this week started out sky-high. (Details of why I'm afraid I'll have to exclude)
And ended six-feet down under.

I'm not exactly sad. Really, I'm not. Or at least, I don't want to be sad.
But screw this, big liar. I cried everyday since Tuesday.
But I'm ok now, easy come easy go. Shan't take it too personally. I love you world.

(my) guardian angel

2007-08-19T09:11:00.000+08:00

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay It's okay It's okay
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

Why do you think you need to talk to me first?

2007-08-18T19:29:00.000+08:00

Because it's you.
Because I don't wana let you go.
Because there's this something inside me that says you're the one.
And because I love you, idiot. Can't you tell?

Ryan Daniel S. Santos

2007-08-16T19:22:00.000+08:00

Ryan: "Let's get married when we're older and successful."
Dionne: "Haha. I wish.."
Ryan: "I promise."

I cried after that, right then and there. Ever since that day I kinda held on to him. Even though I could have sworn I fell for other guys, a part of me still believed that I'd end up with him. But now the string I'm holding on to, though secretly, has given up.

He's a dad now. And his son looks so much like him.
God. I'm not even affected.
I'm happy for him. I'll see them this Christmas.

hey lush, you wait and see.

2007-08-10T12:33:00.000+08:00

I'll be leaving this blog, I hope.
But it's not yet decided.
We'll see.
<3

Oh buttercup, don't build me up

2007-08-09T10:30:00.000+08:00

Balisong.

2007-08-06T15:58:00.000+08:00

I cannot even sleep. This is exactly what I need 3weeks before the prelims! Just great.

You see, fuck. Pardon my vulgarity. Really. It's just that, fuck. I cannot put this into words. I'm not cursing you. I'm cursing myself. For what, exactly? Well. (1) For letting this delusion spread through my brains and my whole being, for jumping down that building called Stupidity thinking that he would actually catch me before I fall flat on my face. But the thing is, I haven't fallen flat, I'm just falling and falling and whirling and it feels so goddam hollow; like going up a staircase in a stranger's house in the middle of the night thinking that the next step would be the last step, but the staircase continues and you just feel so lost it's all you could do to jump down the banister and disappear for goodness' sake. (2) For even starting this whole thing in the first place, knowing how difficult it would be along the way, knowing that it might not be just about me or him, knowing that there might be, in fact that there is, at least one other person who will get hurt, and knowing -god! knowing fully well, that I'm putting myself in a position where I'm bound to lose something either way.

And lastly, for breaking the promise I made to myself that I won't, at least not now, fall for anyone again. Bang some sense to me, will ya?

Why do you have to look so far away when I'm right here all along? Can't you see? Here is where we belong.

2007-08-05T11:23:00.001+08:00

But still, I'll take my time on you.

Judas's favourite book.

2007-08-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

For a moment I thought of changing the way I look at things. Or expand it, more like. I guessed the problem with me is that I'm an anal-retentive, control-freak perfectionist slashslash idealist. But then I stopped for a second and realised that the way I look at this world is just exactly how I would like myself to do so.

Some people might think that I'm taking this way too seriously. I don't know why I'm so affected either, but there are just times when you get so disgusted by people's behaviour it literally gives you a pain in the ass.

This ain't a perfect world. But why make it as far from perfect as you possibly can?

hate. say it like you mean it.

2007-07-31T22:06:00.000+08:00

Okay. To think that I was considering him again, for a second there, is like wow. Not 'whoa' wow, but wow god-I-surprise-myself-at-times wow. And to think that I made myself believe and hope, for a second there, that he (a different he) will wake up from his trance like I did is just downright shameful. It makes me want to wear a paperbag over my head and dive right into a tub-full of boiling water.

Anyway, I've decided what I'd do after O's. So I'd go back to the Philippines and probably pursue the trip that the girls and I have planned since like the start of the millennium. And then I'd stay in Baguio (which is this small city in the northern part that is at 20 deg.Celsius all year round). Yeah, I'd stay there for maybe 2 months doing volunteer work or something. I figured I can teach orphanage kids their arithmetic or grammar or maybe even both. And then I decided that I won't let anyone accompany me. I mean, I'm sure my parents would want an adult to chaperon me but I would argue that I want this to be the first thing I'd ever done alone. And they can't do anything coz it's my life anyway.

2007-07-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

So here's what I need to do.
I need to pull myself together. Big time.
I'm all over the place right now, see.

My heart beats so fast (no matter how cliche that sounds) whenever our eyes meet, despite the fact that I've cursed him with every curse word there is in this world. He's what I see when there's nothing to see. And I just can't help asking myself whether I've let my one chance, and maybe last, slip like that.

And I've been feeling rather lost lately. I mean, really. Like literally misplaced. Like I don't belong. Sometimes I would find myself doing a particular thing in a particular place, and then I'd ask, what are you even doing here? or, what exactly are you doing this for? Anyway, there's just that feeling, you know, of wanting to go some place. Or, maybe what I'm really hoping for - some time.

So here's what I need to do.
I need to pull myself together. Like shit, Big time.

Shoe Box.

2007-07-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

The voices all around me
like from a distant parallel world
And they, standing and sitting
next to me, around me
but still unreachable.
In this four-cornered walls
you can scream in pain,
and agony
and loneliness
and shame,
and hatred
and blahblahblah
and that is how it will sound
and that is what they will hear.
But who's to blame but I - if I
have locked the door
from the inside,
and they have locked me in?

Like no way!

2007-07-15T20:35:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry you're not good enough for me.

2007-07-11T20:25:00.000+08:00

Cherie said I'm emo. She's been saying that since like a thousand years ago. She says it so often I can almost believe her. Maybe I am, I said, everyone has their angsty side. Not her though, she said, she doesn't have an angsty side. Then I started to think she's weird, coz it's like a fact that everyone feels down once in a while, and if she doesn't, then that makes her the odd one out. So I said 'you're weird' but she said 'no, I'm not, you are'. Okay so then I'm emo plus weird? No way. So then I kept quiet for awhile, then I asked her 'do you like hate me?' She said yes. Then I said 'I mean do you like, seriously hate me?' She said yes. She said she hated me from the beginning. Which is a lie I know, coz I can tell she's lying. I can always tell when people are lying. The sad part is, most of the time, even though I know they are lying, I sort of believe them when they say the lie so often and it makes me so depressed because I can't stop myself from believing them anyway.

blah blah blah you goddam stranger

2007-07-10T21:01:00.000+08:00

So you blame yourself for ever thinking, agreeing with them and even believing. You should not have let it go inside your head, coz now you're not the best, nor any better. You're just a spit on the wall and no one can be bothered.

On shallow guises.

2007-07-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

She faced me and cast a knowing look, evidently expecting me to say something. I half-raised my right brow, giving in: "Who is it?"
"Him, duh"
"That's super irritating lah!"
I had to show her that I am irritated. And I was, honestly. But in my attempts to do so it only sounded fake. And she wallowed in the idea which I know she has been nurturing inside her head since school reopened that I am, still, not over him.

Not that it matters to me. He, in everything that he is worth, barely crosses my mind nowadays. And I am not doing myself justice blogging about this. So let's move on, then halt.

all the songs we used to know

2007-06-22T10:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know how artists make music. I don't know where they get their fucking envy-worth lyrics from. I guess they'r just born with 'it'. You know, the gift of words and musical notes. Because I tried to write some, and it was trash. I tried to come up with my own tune. It was worse than trash. But hey, at least I did try.

There's a reason why I'm writing this song
There's something you really ought to know
But first I need words,
I swear I'll tell you the truth

Remember the fisrt time we met?
It was I who smiled first
You walked up to me
You smelled like summertime
Boy, it made me want to cry

But I need words to lead me along,
I'm starting this all wrong
He was standing just behind
you, walked up to me and it was gone,
the would-be payback smile
that's what made me want to cry

So here's the reason I'm writing this song
I guess you must already know
let me put this the best way I can

Yesterday I ran out of gas
down around along the countryside
someone drove slowly past
(it was him) offered to give a ride
He smiled and I started to cry
inside. deep inside.

I need words.

2007-06-20T13:28:00.000+08:00

So then it was a day less than two weeks later. And then it's back to basics in five days time. I find that I'm becoming a shallow human being. I very rarely contemplate nowadays. I've become just like those people I loathed roughly a year ago. A materialistic uber-narcissistic bitch. I've given up on the book I'm reading. I haven't touched a single textbook. I spend most of the time staring at the mirror and the rest of the time looking for a mirror for me to stare at. Now how sick is that? And I think I'm paranoid. Or maybe this is just a passing thought.

Well, I'm not really keen on blogging nowadays. You see the reason.
I get all passionate and my mind's just not capable of handling them all. Boo.
Someone kill me for my incoherence.

the grass is greener here on the other side

2007-06-07T22:21:00.000+08:00

Seventeen years. Thank you.
On the 5th of june I realised how lucky I really am. I have almost everything. I used to be scared to admit this because I didn't want to jinx it. Well, forget about jinxes. This is called appreciation. Life is never perfect. If it was, no one would have wanted to live it. Imperfection makes us human. It makes us want to strive for the so-called perfection, so that we move along and life goes on. But perfection is just like beauty. It lies in the eyes of the beholder. Only, it is so much more difficult to find because people mostly do not know where to look. But when you do find it, then you have understood what life really is all about. And then it's time to die.

On the night of 5th of june, I'd be gladly welcoming death if he ever came.

Now I'm not sure why I'm talking about death all of a sudden. Bear with me here.

say it's half an hour later.

2007-06-04T23:25:00.000+08:00

here,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Bang your head like this now, uh huh.

2007-05-29T22:05:00.000+08:00

Repeated experiences have but one aim:
to teach a lesson you repeatedly refused to learn.

Reading between the lines, that says:
Hey, I'm staying away from boys, sucka.

Don't get me wrong, I am not heartbroken. I just realised that I honestly do not know what I really want. Sometimes, I fool myself into thinking that this is what I want, or that. Well, reality check, it is neither this nor that. And as much as I can't wait to find out what it is (for my own good), I just don't freaking have the time.

Let's be practical. The teachers told us not to go abroad during the holidays for the two-week intensive program. We'll have to face the new term and be welcomed by the Mock Exam. And then we'll move on to Prelims and finally to O'levels. Ok, I'm just saying. My schedule is bound to be full and I don't have any spare time for crises. OMG I am so excited.

Plus, while flirting can be really fun, it's really more of a rollercoaster ride for vanity's sake. Need I elaborate? Nah. Plus plus, most of the time, one is bound to fall for another, and keep on falling. Now I'm going to make a new law here on flirting, or a theory, however you want to call this: at least one person always ends up hitting rock-bottom. Because in those moments between a smile and a wink, between pick-up lines and slight brushes of the arms, between the compliments and the sweet-talks, between those moments something beyond infatuation starts to nurture itself without your even noticing it. And if that something does not start to grow within the other person, that's it mate, you're a goner. haha!

So here, now I'm on the other end. I've seen it from both sides.
So here, bang your head like this now, uh huh.

you said I'm confused

2007-05-25T10:49:00.000+08:00

Who said she's not skipping school again?

Hah. Well, I only went to school once this week, except for later which does not really count because I bet I won't see anyone anyway. That day in school, it was really fun. Yes, I did find something to be happy about. Like, big time. Today, today is Meet The Parents day. And my dad is still in Sentosa for a conference. I don't really want to trouble him. I've been fighting this urge to change into my school U and take my report book myself, at least then, there's a chance of my bumping into a few people I really really miss. I miss you.

Sometimes I just really wonder what has become of us. We used to be these little kids running around in our underwears. We grew up together. We knew each other's secrets. We were each other's first bestfriends. Why must you do this to yourself? I'm worried about you. Take care now.

Keep me apart

2007-05-22T08:14:00.000+08:00

It's a waste of time going to school today. If I knew that the Maths extra lesson is cancelled, I wouldn't have dragged myself out of my uber comfortable bed 3hours ago. And now I'm here, inside the school IT lab, even though the instructions say we must be in the library. You see, all the english teachers are not around, and it is English intensive this week, but they still couldn't spare us this day because hey, it's their job to make our lives as miserable as they possibly can.

There's nothing else to do now. I guess I'll be stuck here for the rest of the day.
Ok, let me find something to be happy about.

I told you to stay away from me

2007-05-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

It's not yet over, no. There's no closure. Nor will there be any. No, I'm not gonna let that happen.

Doesn't it feel like only yesterday when I skipped school for three days? It does. Well, that was the last week of term1. And now the last week of term2 is approaching. And no, I am not skipping school again. So my SS paper wasn't that bad, after all. Maybe not that good either, but still good enough for me to be thankful. Same goes for my Amaths paper2. Yes true, there are a lot of other people who got way better results than I did, but what did I do the day before the paper? I only deserved that.

Wednesday was surreal. How we entered that territory is still a blur inside my head. How we took a step forward and two back. And now you're not here for the amendments. I only wish I won't be too late.

Because the world is ours to keep.

2007-05-14T19:33:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is holiday! yeah!
So the MYE 2007 has officially passed. There, not so far down the pavement, waving at us, smiling, bidding us farewell, with a look on its face that says Look ahead now, there's so much more to come. So then we look ahead, moving on, wondering what that really was all about. And then we ask ourselves, What next?

Im'a getcha

2007-05-12T09:03:00.000+08:00

Two more papers to go. It's always like this. We'll be celebrating because it's our final papers, while the rest of the school is celebrating because their exams are over. YAY. Well, the week was going by so perfectly that I was fooled into thinking it will be smooth sailing all the way. So it wasn't all the way. Amaths paper2 was a total pooper alright. Ugh, what happened to me? is all I can still ask myself. I guess it was the complacency. Oh well, one can't have it all I suppose. Like what I always say, This ain't perfect world. But still, no regrets, only lessons learned.

So tell me now, how are we?
I know being in this territory is just plain quixotic. But I haven't decided whether to hold on to you or to move on. While I know I still can. And the question in my mind now really is: How bad do I want this?

good morning in retrospect.

2007-05-06T11:23:00.000+08:00

It is 11:25 in a sunday morning and my head is about to burst. Come to think of it, there's not even a space for me to contemplate my thoughts on. My Gran says that the brain is just like any other machine, sometimes it just goes baaaam! and stops functioning. She says it's just like the stomach, no matter how much more you want to consume, it vomits out everything when it's full.

You, you're a mainstay in my dreams now. I'll see you on tuesday (:

we look beautiful together.

2007-05-01T06:30:00.000+08:00

First post for May! Yay!

But why am I out of things to say? Ugh. This is so not me. Alright, let's make this easy.

So the Social Studies paper was a big bummer. I remember not functioning properly after that. I was walking unconsciously and I had this huge huge urge to cry. But then again, maybe it was because of the other friday-reason.

Do you ever find yourself not sure of what you feel? Don't lie. I know you do. That's normal, isn't it? Well, I'm not sure of what I am feeling just yet. Let's not jump off the cliff for now. The sight is spectacular, anyway.

stay with me, will you?

2007-04-25T21:09:00.000+08:00

You made me wait. Twice. But somehow, I don't feel like I deserve an apology. In fact, I owe you one. For ruining everything. You have no idea how small I feel right now. Here it is: I'm sorry.

Boo. Nevermind, there are a lot more out there anyway.

(oh but you're the one i want)

who's got the remedy?

2007-04-21T11:58:00.000+08:00

School is fun
like cotton-candy-fun fun
Baby make just one promise to me
DON'T EVER SKIP SCHOOL!
'Coz no matter how cotton-candy-y school may be,
It turns deep depressing oh so sad sad blue.
School ain't fun without you.

Look what you've done.

It's thursday I'm in love.

2007-04-19T20:38:00.000+08:00

D (dreamily) : "I think I'm in love..."
F (sitting up in attention) : "Ohhh myyy gawwwd! With who?"
D (rubbing my stomach) : "Nah, maybe I'm just hungry."

So then Dionne 'the inspirational writer' was born, passing around this note that says:
Don't mistake hunger for falling in love.

Don't you sometimes feel that you flirt around just a bit too much? I do. But like what I always say, can't help it man. haha. I love school. Call me a nerd or a dork or a geek and add uber in front of it and I wouldn't give a damn fuck. (And there goes the F word...Ohhh no! Yeah right.)

(I'm eating rojak!!!!)

Back to context.
The truth is, I'm starting to fall. Or, ummm... I'm walking down that pathway towards the cliff where you start to fall. Maybe even further. I'm driving along the road to the pathway that leads to the cliff where you start to fall. Yes. But if he doesn't stop whatever it is he's doing, I'm bound to lose control soon.

Falling is frightening. Haha. That didn't come out of me.

Anyway, I better improve my english. Don't you think so?

so, say there's a reason. or, just pretend there is. here's the truth: there isn't.

2007-04-13T14:56:00.000+08:00

When I was typing my previous post, I was thinking: hey, 5 days passed just like that. Now I think: hey, 10 days passed just like that. But what really is just like that?

Funny how easily I change my mind, or how easily I get bored of things. If my friend knew about this, he'd say 'what? think you're a princess ah?' And it's true. One moment I obsess about this, that and whatnot; the next moment I couldn't even be bothered to take a second glance. This is very unusual for me to say, but I guess that's how geminis could be. Predictably unpredictable.

But don't get me wrong. When I set my heart onto something, that's exactly it: I set my heart onto it. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: if I change my mind unhesitantly, that only means it's half-hearted choice. But enough about me and my unstable mind.

Sports day wasn't bad. AT ALL. Okay, so maybe no one wanted to clap except me and the gang; or maybe I was the only one who was high all the way, or the only one who kept getting raised and furrowed eyebrows, but you know what I say? If you keep thinking about what other people think of you, you will never - NOT EVER - experience full and pure happiness. Or should I call that ecstasy?

But I just ran out of things to say. I get like this when I eat too much.
See y'all.

no strings attached

2007-04-08T10:48:00.000+08:00

I've got ten minutes to finish this post.
That's right. I'm ok now. The huge huge thing is gone, thankyouverymuch. I've got my old self back. The one who can detach herself from herself. The one who can be satisfied by the littlest things in her own world. Well, it's high time too. I've got no more time to lose. No. I can't afford to lose any more time. So here it is. I've let go of everything. It seems like my mind cannot focus on more than one thing. And that's where decision-making comes in handy. It's the books for now. I'll see you guys around.

I've got 3 minutes left.
I love you.

untitled part v

2007-04-03T19:19:00.000+08:00

It's a one-way mirror
looking at you
standing, staring on the other side
And you can't see through, no.

It's a one-way mirror
and I can't look away
' long as you're there
I'm here to stay

Because you're so beautiful
so damn beautiful
And the girl you've set your eyes on
She'll never see this
One has to be on the other side

You're in the light
I'm in the dark
I only wish for this to remain
For me to stay and stare

Because you're so beautiful
just so damn beautiful
And the girl you've set your eyes on
She'll never see this
One has to be on the other side

The clock is ticking
Somewhere in the dark
I've got so many things
left undone

I've got someone waiting
Somewhere I don't know (and I don't care)
Maybe I should go
before the glass breaks
I should go
before everything gives way.

*

FYI: I am not emo.

baby we're off-limits.

2007-04-01T15:52:00.000+08:00

I find that I'm blogging quite often again. Yeap. It's the only solace I have now.
So it was my first time jamming last night. I must say, producing good music with a group is so not as easy as it seems. But yeah, it takes practice. Just as every other thing does.

Just as getting used to feeling like a total bum whenever I'm with them. Or to feeling like the biggest loser for ever feeling like a total bum. hah. I didn't make sense there. But things do not really need to make sense for one to understand. Like what they say, it's the silence that does it.

Because the present is our history.

2007-03-27T19:15:00.000+08:00

I just have to blog. Because like all those other times, I just can't focus right now. There's this huge huge thing blocking my chest, making me sick to my stomach and rendering me incapable of doing what I am supposed to do. Usually, when this happens, I would pick up a paper and a pen and make a list of the likely factors that may be causing this huge huge thing. But I don't need to do that now, because I know what it is that's putting me on the edge of breaking down. Yes, I do. And it's all the more depressing because man, I am not in control.

Rotate. Triangle, rotate.

2007-03-23T15:19:00.000+08:00

I just guessed it's about time for an update. Well, the first week of term2 has gone by. I have neither had enough hours of sleep nor adequate intake of water. And yes, I am again thisclose to physical break down. But that, my friend, wouldn't happen. I wouldn't want to miss school any more. Not exactly because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to cope, but more because I'm enjoying school so much I actually look forward to it. That's just as well because this is our final year, anyway.

These past few days I find that I'm becoming higher and more stoned than ever. That's probably my body's mechanism to keep awake during class. Yes, to act like a real (no offfense intended) retard.

Anyway, I'm off to Harbor Front later. Free pizza! Yay!

Ohh I so love us!

bittersweet love affair

2007-03-13T20:56:00.000+08:00

Everything just seems so small. Like being trapped in a little shoe box. Wherever I go, it's all just the same. Dark and suffocating. Am I not the most selfish person I know, I ask myself. Yes I am. You know what I do? I stop other people from being happy. And worse, I don't do it directly. I do it in my uncanny ways such that the person would think it's his/her fault; and I am completely aware of my foolproof manipulation. My classmate said I'm a devil in disguise. No, I said. I'm just a devil. Am I not the worst person I know, I ask myself. Yes I am. I'll tell you what I think. That I'm better than anyone, everyone. That I'm just too damned good for anybody. Yes, true. I'm a horrid person. Even I disgust myself. If you see me walking around, don't approach me. I will just ruin your life.

I love you though.

Come back again yesterday.

2007-03-10T22:42:00.000+08:00

Let me tell you something.
I'm ready.
I am.

Frustrations and success.

2007-03-03T14:35:00.000+08:00

Don't take anything for granted. Don't take anyone for granted. Don't ever think that you can do whatever shit to someone without he or she noticing it. Nobody's a fool. Even the person who kneels before the chair you sit on can have enough of it if you treat them as a trash.

Say sorry. For the major things. To the people who deserve it. Say sorry if you say something bad behind someone's back. Say sorry if you lose something that is not yours; or, if you take, for that matter.

Say sorry. For the minor things. For making someone wait for an hour. For losing your temper to someone who did not do anything. For making somebody feel like a total crap.

Say sorry, for they may understand. They may try and understand. But being treated as someone who doesn't deserve even the simplest 'sorry' can be, in the long run, be very tiresome. And most people doesn't like getting tired.

What the world needs now.

2007-02-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

-She's the one who said that, not me.
Say what?
-That you're stupid.
I'm stupid? I'm stupid???
-I mean, not you. I mean, I didn't...
Didn't what?
-Say that.
Say what?
-That.
That?
-Yeah. That.
Fine.
-I mean, you can't... feel.
Now you're the one who's stupid.
-What? What makes you say that?
'Coz you think I'm stupid. You actually think I can't feel? It's like you don't know me at all. How many years have we known each other?
-Seven? Six..
Seven?? It's been seven? God.
-It's six.
Fine. whatever.
-Yeah.
Anyway, I've got to go. My bill, you know. I'll see you...
-When?
December. November...
-Right. I'll wait.
You better.
-Okay, bye...
Okay. I'll hang up on 3.
-Okay. I miss you.
Bye.
-I miss you.
1
2
3
beep.
**

How many years? How many chances? How many mistakes? How many failures? Before you realise that the one you've been looking for... has been staring you right in the face?

The Ghost In You

2007-02-18T10:54:00.000+08:00

You know who I love most?
My family and friends.
My grandma, who will always be my hero and role model.
My dad, who may not be perfect, but is trying his best to be. For us.
My mom, who may be weak, but at the same time strong, enduring everything. For us.
My brother, who I cannot live peacefully with. But who I can't possibly live without.
Hailey, who knows everything about me and who can see through me.
Pita, who's always there to fill the silence.

You're enemies are my enemies. Your sufferings are my laden.
I love you guys.

Katie's Diary: The Plain Jane

2007-02-13T20:56:00.000+08:00

"See, Valentine's day and all the sweets and sweet-smelling things that come with it, are meant for girls like Nicole - with their cover-girl good looks, ladylike figures, and polished manners. This particular day of the year , heartthrobs are given a little something extra for the blessings they already have - they're given affirmation that they truly are, in fact, adored and endeared. One might already be worshipping the ground they walk on the rest of the year, but Valentine's Day is the time to go all out! So naturally, when someone doesn't go all out for you on this day when every guy serves up the works for some girl, you know on which side of the Plain Jane-Prom Queen divide you belong.
Anne was all too aware of it. 'This isn't even about Nicole because I love Nicole, but I really hate Valentine's. More than make the gorgeous girls feel good about themselves, it makes everyone else who doesn't quite make the cut feel bad! It's worse than reading a magazine, I swear. At least then, you can pretend those pretty girls are airbrushed and aren't real!' "

Defy the flow

2007-02-11T11:05:00.000+08:00

Tell me, what is it with dreams and illusions?
How can something that seems so concrete exist only metaphysically? And how can something so metaphysical affect one so concrete?

The thing is, for someone like me who is usually pragmatic and cynical, but who also constantly believes in a higher force - that everything happens for a reason - dreams are symbolic. There isn't really a comprehensive way for me to explain it. I guess, what I am saying is, dreams give us a vision of something that may have happened, but didn't. And they leave us wondering... what if?

You look wonderful tonight

2007-02-09T08:51:00.000+08:00

This is what happens when you have free period Mother Tongue.

People speak and all that you hear
are rambles and murmurs
all but clear
They dance and wave
but what do you see?
If not visions of unreality
You run 'round in circles
but could no more feel
the lump in your heart
nor the soul on your heel
When will you stop
and settle for amends
and watch your reflection
and all thy pretends?

Two-day surreality

2007-02-04T08:47:00.000+08:00

This weekend was so tiring. But I ain't complaining.

Finally seeing Ta and Jai again is soooo satisfying. Gawd I miss those two! They were here only for three days and I was with them for the most time except on the first day. What I love about them? You could just pick up where you left off with them without hesitation. Pita asked me if I was excited about seeing them, and I was like not really, 'coz I feel like they were here only last week. And it's true, nothing came and nothing could come between us. Ta and Jai are one of those few people who really rock my world, not for a particular reason but for every reason I could find. And I know we wouldn't see each other again for months on end, but I also know that it isn't the end at all. Like what they say - farewell, but not goodbye.

Seeing Ta and Jai again is also like... a flashback-backtrack kind of thing. It kind of allowed me to feel how it was like being spontaneous again, which (believe me) is far from everything in my life right now. Spontaneity. Who would even believe it's in my vocabulary? And so being with Ta and Jai, it really is the best break a work-freak could ever ask for.

So what now? After we had sent Ta and Jai to the airport, it was time for the musical night. I don't know exactly what's so great about it, but it was! I mean, it's just so nice seeing your friends performing and coming up to them after the performance and seeing them with that self-satisfied smile. It makes you satisfied too. After the concert, everyone was just shouting and going high and hugging each other. If it was a movie, it would be the final scene where the main song would play and the people who are watching would be teary-eyed without knowing exactly why.

And yes, there was that waving to strangers thing, and waving to not-so-strangers, too (Pita, you know this) haha! which was so great I don't even want to talk about it.

And as I had said last night, the perfect ending to the perfect weekend: Supper @Europe!!! Whatever more can you ask for??

Why wait?

2007-01-27T21:42:00.000+08:00

Do you have any idea how anti-social I am? There are like thirty people outside losing themselves, and here I am - for the past two hours - shutting out the rest of the world, accompanied by the nosiest, most irritating brats you can ever encounter in your whole life.

The Vaudevilles and the Actors

2007-01-25T21:24:00.000+08:00

"To hell with it, he thought; if destiny could not be outwitted, he might as well see what else life had to offer him other than a few decades of living on a Cretan hillside before burial underneath it."

The Island, Victoria Hislop

Yesterday's Literature SRP was a torture. Physics class was a nightmare. Today was the last straw. These days I find that I'm not easily provoked. Comments or actions that would have triggered my anger in the past only make me sad and tired these days. Maybe I'm too tired to even muster the energy to fly into a passion.

Product of yesterday's boredom:

Dozing off in this class ennui
Her voice as dull as she
Nothing makes sense here
But your face I see in this

lined paper of doodles and of words
unencumbered, and once unwritten because
there was a time when everything was
said and done
Everything was said and done.

And so her words of lullabye
continued to lull this broken piece, a masterpiece
of one, that will remain an amateur
to you and to everybody else;
the whole world and everybody else.

Alas she spoke and then I hear
the words, strangely sound so dear
'Pack up your things,
come now, don't fret'
And so I move
for it is time to go.
Hey, it's time to go.

I only hear what I want to

2007-01-24T21:09:00.000+08:00

I thought of starting a diary today. An official one. One that may be published into a book if ever I do something great within my lifetime, a kind of memoir or an autobiography of all genres. I pictured myself writing earnestly, sitting in my high-backed chair with the smooth texture of lined paper fondling my palms. It was kind of indulging for my part, since I've always really wanted to be a writer. Indeed, the prospect of having to take at least an hour a day and put the events, ponderings, or peculiar ideas of the day into the beautiful art of language is more than tempting.

Alas, it is just a temptation. You see, what is not tempting is the prospect of having to write so much (imagine how fatigued my arms would be) with my pens (they are pretty expensive). So yeah, so much for that. Maybe not yet.

I remember the days when I was so infatuated with Him. You'll never guess how much poems I've written then. But then again, you'll never guess - let alone know - what really happened. But what I wanted to say, actually, is that the poems I've written were so... daft. Or, shallow is the better word. They're poems that you need not look deep into. There's nothing beautiful about them, but melancholy pervaded every word and sentence. Or more like, melodrama.

Here I go again
Alone, silent, reminiscin'
Staring blankly into space
With only the vague image of your face
And your voice, resounding in my ears
I'm only fighting back the tears

Questions left unanswered
are questions left unasked
And the regret filling up my heart
is the sadness the we didn't last

Here I go again
Uncertain of what to do
How could I go on with my life
When you took it away with you
Leaving me behind
With nothing but my fears
I cannot fight back these tears

Welcome to the Black Parade.

2007-01-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

The fact that I blog twice in a period of 3 days only shows that I'm not coping well with whatever it is that I'm supposed to cope with.

I'm not sure how much longer I could keep with my schedule and filled-to-the-edges to-do list. It has been going pretty well on the first couple of weeks, but I've been having lazy spells lately; and the number of undone things just keeps increasing until all my nails are nowhere to be seen again, and I'm back here typing away.

I haven't even been spending time with my friends lately. Aye. That's it. I have to go easy on myself and cut me some slack.

On the bright side, I saw Mr. Perfect Stranger yesterday. Funny how I meet him on the most unlikely times. 5th time now. I know how to talk to him next time. If there is a next time.

Hailey says she wants a boyfriend. I'm not sure if I do. It's like, I'm more scared now than ever. Ever.

Chocolates and sweets and everything yellow.

2007-01-19T16:53:00.000+08:00

I want to blog, blog, blog, blog.
Yet another week has gone by. Another week less to my birthday, to my brother's birthday, to my parents' birthday, and finally to bidding farewells. At long last I now know the answer to that platitude of a question that I myself used to ask: Where will you go from here?
I'm not sure exactly how I came to the decision, or if there were anything that influenced me to come to it at all, but I'm sure now which path to take. I guess it isn't too late at all - heaven knows there are more than a hundred out there who have no idea whatsoever with their future plans.
I suppose what I'm really driving at is this: The feeling of having a reason, a rational reason, for everything you do, is nothing but fulfilling. And I can't find any other appropriate words to describe it.

Bop Bop Bop. Fuck ohh oh oh.

2007-01-16T19:54:00.000+08:00

I fucking left my fucking file in the fucking Chem class. I'm telling you, I can't fucking afford to lose it!!!!!!

Boo. I can't do anything useful right now.

And the reason is nowhere in sight

2007-01-10T21:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when I pick a book, I get that feeling that I'm way out of my league. Like that The Historian, for example, or all of Ishiguro's novel. But after I'm done with it, I know that my league has stretched further. Hah. Blah Blah blah. I don't really know why I'm talking about books when there are one too many profound conversations I had these past days, which are worth blogging about. But as it is, I'm talking about books. And I'm hungry now.

PART IV

2007-01-02T17:24:00.000+08:00

2007. Happy New Year everyone.

I am so overwhelmed by the events of last month, or rather last year, right now. Where do I start?

On the surface, it feels like nothing happened. It's like, all I remember is myself brooding in my room reading that 700-paged book The Historian, or playing Mah Jong with my great granny, or plainly wasting my time in the sitting room with my cousins drinking green tea and talking about everything under the sun.

But if I really look back and reflect, I might even say that the past month changed my life. (Alright, maybe that's overstated)

For one, the new year has come, and as superstitious as this may sound, I know that 2006 is so not my year. And it just seems logical that 2007 will turn out good for me. Yeah, maybe that's not true, but that wouldn't matter because what matters is that I believe it is.

And then there's that whole stepping to a new level with you-need-not-know-who. I don't know. I guess after all these years, it was - it is - a great leap of courage on his side. And on mine, too.

All right. They're calling out my name. Catch up later.

One-man Army

2006-11-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

The original Everytime We Touch of Cascada has been playing in my iTunes for the 8th time since I downloaded it. I don't know exactly why, I guess there's just something about it that makes me feel so... emotional.

You could just feel how much the girl loves the guy that she doesn't need anyone else, that all she wants and all that matters is being with him. Everytime we touch, I get this feeling. Everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly. Can't you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last. I need you by my side. Everytime we touch, I feel ecstatic. Everytime we kiss, I reach for the skies. Can't you feel my heart beat slow? I can't let you go. I want you in my life.

Boo. I'm being overly romantic again. Well, not exactly again, since I always have been this way.

CAM-WHORE! (or just whore. nah.)

Boys drive us crazy.

2006-11-21T00:42:00.000+08:00

It's official. He's out of the picture. Somehow I feel sad. For myself. For him. For the two of us. Whatever I do, whatever I say or how fucking vulgar I do it, there's just this elaborated image of us in my mind that always pops out whenever something reminds me of him. I guess I feel sad because now there's just really no way, just beyond 0%, that that image is going to be part of reality. The funny thing is, I feel more sorry for him. Gee, I swear to you, I could have done everything for him. Anything, anything at all. And he just threw it away, just like that.

But what I really wanted to say, what really is the reason behind this entry, is this: I'm glad he did what he did. Even before, a part of me was just waiting for him to do something of the kind, waiting for him to do something that would qualify him as a bastard. So that there'll be enough reason for me to move on. The thing is, I used to believe in what I wanted to believe. I saw things my way. I excused him for all that he has done to me, thinking that maybe he has a positive reason behind them. But then I grew tired and was determined to let him go. It's just that I can't because I still couldn't hate him. So when he finally did that, I can only say that I was glad. And I cannot grab enough words to explain just how much.

Alright, so that was the end of it. He really is part of history now. Looking back, it's funny how I had sworn I fell in love with him. If there's one thing that I learned from this tragedy, it's this: Don't ever mistake love for what it's not. Of course I learned a few more other things, but I'm not going to that just this moment.

It's 1am. I'm off to bed.

Time was away and somewhere else.

2006-11-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

This, I'm sure of:
I don't want him. I just want someone.

The world's full of beautiful things; hold my hand and let's see them for ourselves.

Honey don't play pretend.

2006-11-16T16:28:00.000+08:00

He's always on my mind

From the time I wake up,

Till I close my eyes.

He's everywhere I go

He's all I know.

And though he's so far away,

It just keeps getting stronger

everyday

And even now he's gone

I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start

Coz it's breaking my heart

I don't wanna let him go

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

But only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope and pray

Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me

That if I really love him,

I've got to set him free

And if he returns in time

I'll know he's mine

But tell me where do I start

Coz it's breaking my heart

I don't wanna let him go

Coz heaven knows

Why I live in despair

Wide awake or dreaming,

I know he's never there

And all the time I act so brave,

I'm shaking inside

Why does it hurt me so?

You haunt me even in my sweetest dreams.

2006-11-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

Immature love is when you want the person you love to be happy with you.
True love is when you want the person you love to be happy. Period.

They say when you really want something, there are a hundred ways to get it; and when you really don't, there are a hundred excuses to get away from it. Yup. That is true, people.

Anyway, I've been home-bound for the past couple of days. Spending hours listless in my room, trying to improvise my guitar skills, hulahoop-ing, pigging out. Hah. I always wonder when will I start to grab some school books and do a bit of revision. Heaven knows there'll be no time for that once I go back to the Philippines. Ugh. Our schedule is so hectic I'm not even sure I can visit all the places I want to visit. Anyway, as I was saying, every night I keep telling myself that the next day is a new day, and it's never too late to commence a good thing. So then I will decide that I really will study, but I don't. Oh I just can't find any motivation to start studying. It's like, for what uh. I've done my best this year, cut me some slack. But then my conscience is like shouting if you don't start now, you'll be so burnt out next year.

Oh well. I don't know really.

Oh shoot. I miss someone real bad..

Love love has (not) come my way

2006-11-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

Funny how people go looking for love, when in the end, love doesn't really conquer all. As we grow older, we'll realise that love isn't everything. That in life, what matters more is security. Of our future. What matters more is stability. Of the life we'll choose to lead.

I've seen many people search for love, only to realise in the end that love doesn't come in full package, that love doesn't offer everything they'd been looking for.

The truth is, I do not know what in fuck's sake I'm talking about.

*

This ain't no enigma

Baby it amazes me
how overly used are these words:
'I'm sorry'
You have no fucking idea,
but that's just the way things are
between us
and there is nothing left to say
Funny why this should happen,
I didn't even like you that much,
but see, you did
work your magic on me baby.
And this, above all
for this I wish
you'd whisper your friggin' words
but love, you never did.
Screw you.

The wind is shouting out your name but I choose not to hear.

2006-11-09T12:29:00.000+08:00

I Am: your teenage dirtbag. dionne.
I Will: not be a teenage dirtbag for long, though.
I Miss: the Philippines!
I Hear: Hotel California right now.
I Smell: nothing.
I Crave: for everything.
I Worry: about anything.
I Regret: giving myself away...

I Love: him, i guess...but
I Always: will never understand what love really is.

I Dance: with a bowl of bananas on my head
I Sing: to rock your world
I Dream: of him, no longer.
I Can't Stand: standing for hours
I Lose: 10kg in my dreams
I Like: caramel frapuccino
I Listen: to the beat of the drums in rhythm with my heart.
I Can Usually Be Found: reading a book
I Need: to hold his hands
I Know: I never will
I Hope: I can forget
I Want: to forget
I Obsess: about falling in love
I Am Always: saying things I will not immediately do
I Wish: I could immediately do them, though
I Cry: when Im really - really - hurt
I Fell: in love with a boy
I Believe: that someday, he'll grow up.

I lost: myself in imaginations
I saw: this coming from the start
I found: that I'm even stronger than what I thought
I survived: SEC 3!!!
I think: I'll be fine
I have: to move on

Pull myself back up my feet. Everyone applause.

2006-11-08T00:50:00.000+08:00

There's nothing wrong with being miserable, baby.
There is, though, with being miserable for a long time.

And so there is no point clinging on to him - or to any disaster, for that matter.

We're young. The night has yet to come.

The whole world is waiting.

One love y'all.

Dear love I'm stronger than you are

2006-11-06T09:19:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a rocky day. The slightest memory of him was enough for me to get all teary-eyed and breathless. I never expected it to be this bad. It's almost like I'm going through a really bad break up with someone I've been for years. Almost like.

And so when my dad said he's going to Orchard to get his hair cut, I just grabbed the chance to get out of the house and come along, thinking that maybe the lights and the buildings and the oh-really-so-many people will somehow put my mind off him. But this proved useless because the people I saw were couples walking hand in hand, laughing, smiling, and happy. And few of them looked at me and I felt as if they knew what was going on and they were mocking and laughing and smiling and looking even happier.

So then I took a bus to Plaza Sing, which was also depressing because I don't want to take buses anymore, but I don't know why I did last night. Because you see, I really do get a lot of dreams about me sitting at the furthest back of the bus, the bus stopping at a bus stop and I see him walking down the aisle to sit next to me and hold my hand. And taking a bus now just becomes so unbearable I nearly cried last night then and there.

But then my dad called me and asked where I was. I said I was at PS. So then he followed me there and we met up for dinner. Oh I love these moments. Just my dad and I. We call it our 'date'. He said he wonders when I will stop dating him. I said I don't know. He laughed. I laughed. We ate Japanese. Oh I love Japanese food. Oh, actually before that he asked me to buy tickets to The Covenant. The movie was at 9:10, and we finished dinner like 8:30. So then we we have nothing better to do. Then my dad decided he wanted to play those gun-games where they shoot the screen. Boo. That's funny man. My dad didn't want to stop playing and I was like, the movie's about to start dad, come on, the kid next to you looks like he's dying to play. But then he still had like 2 more missions to go or something, so he offered the kid to play the remaining of it. Then the kid ran away. I think my dad scared him.

I was excited to watch the Covenant, but heck it was a disappointment. If the main character wasn't sooooo hooottt, I would definitely have fallen into sleep. Mediocre storyline. There were supposed to be four of them, but the story focused on Caleb. Mediocre ending. Tsk.

Oh but it doesn't matter. When the night ended, a quarter of my thoughts of him had drifted away. And before I fell asleep, I remember thinking, you can handle this.

Baby, I'm born to fly

2006-11-05T12:03:00.000+08:00

May I tell you something? While it still remains true?
I love you.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have not been sticking to my words lately, that I've been very inconsistent. The thing is, when I said a million times before that I'm going to move on without him, that I've learned my lessons and he is just a fragment of my past, a part of me - a huge part of me - was not willing to let go at all. I guess you could say that I was holding on to make-believes. Now I could just knock myself with my guitar for ever thinking that, somehow, he might fall for me too. The truth is, and I find no reason to deny it now, I allowed myself to believe that he does like me back, in a romatic sort of way. Now what I'm not entirely sure of is whether this is because he did show - or at least dropped hints - that this is truly so, or because I unconsciously allowed myself to think too much yet again and mistakenly interpreted his intentions.

But all of that do not matter now. Everything is clear, maybe not crystal, but less muddled enough for me to realise some things. That is, he is not for me. Not one in one million, as he said so himself. And that we can never be more than friends. I guess I must have realised this before too, but I was in a state of denial, as I have mentioned. But I'm past that stage. Maybe not way past it, but I'm on my way.

I'm breaking free.

This love is taking it's toll on me

2006-11-02T19:52:00.000+08:00

Holding on to someone who clearly wants you to let go can be sooooo tiresome.

It's a surprise I managed to attend all of the intensive classes so far. I guess the only thing pushing me into going through the boredom is the thought of a far worse hell if I stayed at home. That is, a whole different definition of boredom. Woohoo.

But that's only partly true. Because there's another reason. Don't ask what, but ask who.

And I don't know if I'm still attending tomorrow. Besides, I only have half a reason now. Because . . .

I'm tired.

2006-10-28T13:23:00.000+08:00

The school year has ended. It would be nice to look back and review the events of this year, but given that my life doesn't just evolve around my school life, it would be quite futile to actually do so right now. The remaining two months of this year would, as I do hope, give the conclusion to this chapter of my life.

But I'm going to stop this crap right now because I'm so not typing like me.

I love spending time in coffee shops. Talking to the best people almost about anything.
I love talking about anything. Talking about anything makes me think and ponder.
I love to think and ponder. Thinking and pondering make me feel.
I love to feel. It makes me real. It makes me different from soulless material beings.
I love being able to feel happiness, sadness, anger, satisfaction. One after another.

I love.

2006-10-27T10:50:00.000+08:00

"SEC4 sia "
"One year sia "

hahaha. nice. I like.

2006-10-25T20:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish I'm prettier. Nah. Scratch that.

Sometimes I wish I'm pretty. There. Much better.

Seldom times, like now, I do wish I am. These past few days and occurences have got me thinking if things would have been much better if I look better. I often wonder if he would have screwed their friendship and fought for me if I'm not this little ugly duckling; if he would not have cared that he is going away; if he would not have cared that there is little time. I often wonder if he would have held onto me. Indeed, most of the times, I do believe that he would.

We often say that it's not about the superficial things, that it is about what is inside. But believe me, it is truly difficult to love someone who is not the least bit beautiful. Human beings. We are programmed to love someone that we are physically attracted to. That is nature. And mass and media have long since clouded our brains of what is beautiful.

True, it is possible for two very unlikely people to fall madly in love. But that. That is not the work of nature. You know how tsunamis and earthquakes are natural disasters? That's how it is as well. They occur very rarely. Very.

But then, thinking about these things just kind of brings me down. So then I want to shut up and screw it. Which is what I'm about to do, by the way.

Ohh. Today. I had a lot of shaky moments today. In retrospect, I couldn't actually believe I survived it.

There was that talking-to-him thing. Omg. That was worse than sitting for any exam! I was trembling and blabbering and I just didn't know what to do. I still couldn't believe I was that bold to actually come up to him to talk.

-.-" - Are you really not talking to me?

>.< - No comment. I'm drinking. duh

-.-" - Are you like angry with me or something?

>.< - I don't have balance so I couldn't reply your messages.

-.-" - So you're not mad at me?

>.< - Shakes head

-.-" - Alright, Thanks. (?!)

THANKS?! Omg. Where the hell did that come from? Oh. How pathetic is that?

And then there was that waiting-for-the-results thing. Oh. This is one topic I don't really want to talk about.

Anyway, yeah. I'm kind of feverish.

I just want to say:

Congrats Pita! You finally did it! I'm so proud of you!

And, Hailey, cheer up ya? We're here to back you up. Just think about prata! Haha.

cheers <3

2006-10-24T22:15:00.000+08:00

Ooh this week is fast but oh-so-not-furious. Like, looking back... there's nothing to see, really. Anyway, technically speaking, this week is the last week of school year 2006. There's that intensive whatnot next week but, really, we're practically free!

Oh oh oh I'm like staring at the screen not knowing how to continue this post. But oh well. Bull Crap. I'm biting my nails again! After these months of resisting the urge.. ugh. Okay, I'm going to stop, biting my nails I mean. If I did it once, I can do it again.

And I just realised, I'm not really cut out as an everyday blogger. I ran out of things, see. Unless things remain as a rollercoaster ride, or unless I don't feel guilty for feeding you with crap about my life, I must bid you adieu.

2006-10-22T21:42:00.000+08:00

Death Note is a bitch. Genius genius genius.
Oh. I just wanted to blog though I'm not making any sense. Haha.
I called my friend. I thought I could tell him everything that's going on in my life right now. But somehow, I felt cheesy. Oh oh and I don't know if I should go to school tomorrow. I know my report book is so gonna be screwed. But whatever happens, my Dad's buying a drum set for me! WOOHOO! Oooh I wan't to sing Sexy Back, and I want the girls to be able to sing the 'Yeah' part with me! You don't know what I'm talking about, so screw. I have been experiencing PMS for a long time now. My granny said I'm like a bouncing cheque. Always delayed. Always not good.
Ohh. I don't think I'll go to school tomorrow. I'm feeling nauseous.

Anyway, L (no, not you Pita) is hardcore. L is bitch. I like.

2006-10-21T10:06:00.000+08:00

So Yesterday
I'm not regretting anything. I'm not wishing I could turn back time and do things the other way around. I'm not.

The thing is, I wanted to have a closure. I wanted to cry my heart out and just cry and cry as if nothing else exists in this world except my tears and my muffled voice. I wanted to do that and wake up the following day and start anew. But then, the weird part is, I just couldn't. And I didn't know why.

Now I do. Boys. They're just not worth it. I guess after all those previous frustrations concerning them, I did become numb. Really. And as sad as that sounds, I guess I could comfort myself with the fact that it also made me so ready to move on. Easily.

And what makes everything even better is that, this is the closure I needed. This realisation. Without the usual complement of blood-shot eyes or husky she-just-went-through-a-bad-night voice.

So yeah. That was so yesterday. I have had my fair share of sadness this year. It's high time once more!

I AM SO BACK!

2006-10-20T07:32:00.000+08:00

When you start something, you just have to finish it.
Jai said, just because he's letting me go doesn't mean he doesn't want me to hold on.
He said, he doesn't want to hurt me any worse.
I say, screw it.

I'm going to hold on for as long as I can, for all I care.
I'm not giving him up.
I'm staying right where I am now.
I'm stronger than him, that's for sure.

When you have fallen, it's hard to get back up. And the sadder part is, you just don't really want to.

2006-10-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

There is just one thing that I so want to say right now.

I wouldn't have this any other way.

And to Him,
Thank you so much. For everything.

2006-10-15T23:25:00.000+08:00

Are you afraid?
Are you afraid that you would stumble and fall and hurt yourself real bad? Or are you afraid that one day, everything would stop and you'll wake up realising that it's just a dream? Are you afraid that a time would come when you can no longer make him smile? Or make his day? Or pick him up when he's down?

Everything, without exception, that He gives us, He will take it away, one way or another. We can never really have it all. In life, we only get a free taste of the best things it offers. Everything will slip away, that's for sure. So every second, there are two things you need to do. One, feel the moment, live every minute of it. Two, prepare yourself for the time when that moment is taken away.

They say life is not about the number of breaths you take, but about the moments that take your breath away. But why not make life both? Maybe life should be the number of breaths you take that, in turn, also takes your breath away.

Loving from a distance can pain you in every way, in every direction, in every part. But sometimes, loving from a distance can bring you happiness that'll make you feel so complete. Indeed, love comes back to you. Maybe not from the same person, but it will. Just you wait.

It's ok if you can't love me.
Or even think of me.
I'm not asking you to.
It's really okay with me if you can't because...
what I told you is
'I love you'
not
'love me too...'

2006-10-14T08:55:00.000+08:00

I've always said that in life, it doesn't matter what decisions you make. What matters is how you stand up for them when everyone seems to be thinking that you made the wrong choice. It's also true that sometimes, we have to admit that we are wrong and then we have to turn our backs and undo the damages. But we should never regret. Because during that period when you made that choice, it was your heart that you followed. And during that moment, you chose what you most wanted. So why should you regret when you know from the start that you were just following your heart?

Do not, ever, betray yourselves.

2006-10-09T19:52:00.000+08:00

Chemistry sucked. But I don't care.

Everyone, remember to bring tissue everyday. You'll never know what might happen! ;)

Oooh. And I can't wait for this week to end!

How many times must I blog about that?

2006-10-08T20:59:00.000+08:00

Life is random.

Ooooh. Am I so good at moving on and never looking back now! For real.
And I'm so positive now.
And I'm so happy.
And I really really want to go high after EOY. (If I'm not high enough right now, that is)
And I so wanna buy a drum set and form a band.
Oh! And Hailey will be having guitar lessons from me!
And Don is sooo out of the question, because his name is Gabriel and he has a girlfriend and he's so out of reach because now he's so real. Boo.
Oh yeah, everyday I would try to blog. Even just a sentence-long. Like, things I realised for the day.
Like, today:

There's no such thing as love at first sight.

2006-09-26T21:37:00.000+08:00

Done upon Hailey's request.
And because I'm bored and I want to play soccer but my bro is playing mahjong. (or however the eff you spell it).

100 FACTS
1. Name: Dionne
2. Middle Name: rochelle. boo
3. Location: Bro's room. im sneaking in.
4. Place of Birth: Somewhere dark and ~~hairy~~. I meant scary.
5. Blood Type: S? Yeah, I'm an S. (and so r u s-hole)
6. Male or Female: thank God I'm a female.
7. Bus: 147
8. Status: single. not looking but... waiting.
9. Occupation: part-time counsellor. nyahahaha. call me.
10. Initials: GTH...B. (go to hell...bitch)
11. Screen Name: Ennoidz. Ennoidy.

Your Appearance
12. Hair Color: Dark brown.
13. Hair Length: long. but short.
14. Expression: snob
15. Best Feature: my TOOTH.
16. Height : 5'3" go figure
17. Main Accessories: none
18. Glasses: are bad conductors of heat
19. Shoe size: 4. shocking aint it?
20. Weight: 46...sometimes 45. sometimes 47. sometimes 10. very unstable.

Your Firsts
21. First cry: im numb.
22. First best friend: Camille (the bitch... seriously.)
23. First Award: Most Aspiring Poet. woot.
24. First Sport You Joined: volleyball
25. First thing you did today: Thank God it's tuesday!
26: First thing you ate today: Sky Flakes Crackers
27. First thing you said today: I'm skipping school!
28. First Love: what love?!

Favorites
29. Movie: The Raplacements
30. TV Show: FRIENDS.
31. Color: Green! Yeah!
32. Rock Band: Uhhh...does Elvis count?
33. Place to get groceries: i don't do groceries
34. Food: Prata. Rojak. Seaweed.
35. Season: as if I have much to choose from asshole.
36. Candy: candy shop?
37. Sport: soccer! :D
38. Restaurant: Does McD count?
39. Number: 666
40. Subject: Mother tongue,
41. Guy: Too difficult to choose. sigh
42. Animal: Hailey :D
43. Book: Never let me go... i guess.
44. Magazine: Candymag.

Currently
45. Doing before you started this survey: called Hailey
46. Thinking: 7 more minutes to 10:00 and I'm only in no.46. geez
47. Wearing: $12 shirt from bugis. And $25 shorts (or pants) from Bugis. Again.
48. Crying about: I wanna play soccer!!
49. Eating: none. surprising, actually.
50. Drinking: none. Like duh.
51. Typing: I'm typing "I'm typing"
52. Loving: you is such an easy thing coz you're beautiful. (that's a song if you don't know, dumbo.)
53. Listening To: the CPU making weird machine sounds. Hope it explodes soon
54. Thinking about: it's hot in here
55. Wanting: for Friday to come
56. Watching: my fingers press the letters you just read

Future
57. Where do you see yourself in 5 years: In the arms of the one I love. Ahh chey ahh..
58. Kids: 3 boys...or more. 1 girl, probably.
59. Want to be Married: to the right person.
60. Career in Mind: something... fulfilling

Which is better with the Opposite Sex
61. Looks or Personality: personality. Both. Geez. I'm not one to choose anyway.
62. Smart or average: Smart.
63. Hair color: no anime-types please.
64. Hair length: doesnt matter...long as he doesnt look more feminine than I do.
65. Eye color: deep black. yeah
66. Measurements: Does size matter? (haha)
67. Cute or sexy: Cute is sexy anyway, so.. sexy. nyay.
68. Lips or Eyes: lips. mouth. teeth. tongue. gums. throat.
69. Hugs or Kisses: hugs.
70. Short or Tall: Tall. Short. Who cares
71. Easygoing or serious: easygoing. serious. not overboard.
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Romantically spontaneous.
73. Good or Bad: Who's bad?
74. Sensitive or spontaneous: latter.
75. Hook-up or Relationship: either.
76. Cute or Handsome: either.
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: Trouble maker. I like. :]

Have You Ever
78. Kissed a Stranger: Have I not?
79. Had surgery: yeah...my boobs are fake
80. Gone commando: Yeah! Like, who hasn't?
81. Ran Away From Home: Duh! Isn't that the most normal thing?
82. Broken a bone: who even asks this kind of questions?! dumbo.
83. Broke the law: LITERALLY!
84. Been on a cruise: if you mean like a movie, then yeah.
85. Got a car accident: Who gets a car accident? Shamin' the english language!
86. Dumped someone: yeah. LITERALLY.
87. Cried When Someone Died: no.
88. Cried At School: yeah.

Do You Believe In
89. God: my faith is as strong as steel
90. Miracles: u mean like magic?
91. Love at First Sight: Gawd NO! Who believes in such irrational mind-bogging idiotic things?!
92. Ghosts: yeah........... hoooooo.
93: Aliens: I'm one.
94. Soul Mates: Soul mates your S.
95. Heaven: ooohhh heaven is a place on earth. We'll make heaven our place on earth.
96. Hell: to hell with this.
97. Answered prayers: yes.
98. Kissing on The First Date: is there anything unbelievable with that?
99. Horoscopes: no.

Answer Truthfully
100. Is there someone you wish you had? no.

2006-09-15T23:15:00.000+08:00

Seeing him is like seeing someone I have not seen in years, like seeing someone I lost touch with. He is like someone I once knew all too well... but one who has changed a whole world lot, now that we finally get to see each other again. Like a perfect stranger.

Sometimes I really do feel that a great force is playing a trick on me, making me believe in all these quixotic feelings. It's like, what the hell, everything looks so goddamn perfect on the surface, but then everything turns upside down and you realise that all is just one big joke disguised to make you happy and hopeful, but is actually designed to embarass you in the end. And embarassed, you sure will be. Not just to those around you but to yourself, most especially perhaps.

But oh how I wish I could just cease typing and thinking and typing more and just close my eyes and scream right this moment. I want to be free, to be rid, of all these thoughts and emotions, even for one blessed minute.

On a bright note, I am not numb. It's true.

15th of September. Weird day.

2006-09-09T22:20:00.000+08:00

Null. Empty.
Do you know how it feels? Like a lost soul wandering blindly in this world. Without any purpose. Without any reason. I am happy. Internally happy. Wonderful people surround me and I thank Him everyday for having them around. But still. I said I am happy. Not superficially. But also not completely. There is just always something missing. Like a taste in your food that you cannot exactly place; and it's just... not right. Like searching for something you might forget, but you don't exactly know what. I hate being numb. I hate searching, and not finding. I'm tired. I'm bored of going to bed every night, without looking forward to tomorrow.

I go with the flow. Not caring much whether I hit a large rock, or get caught in a fishnet that is released in my direction. I just let things happen. You don't know what getting hurt does to you. Indeed you heal in time, but the aftermath can be felt long after you're cured. You get scared. Easily. And you'll never be willing to risk again. For quite some time.

But I want to feel. I want to. I don't care if it'll hurt. Or if it'll leave me crying for nights, or months. I want to have someone, even for a short time, to be with. To make me feel real. Not virtual. Not mechanical. I know it's not easy to love someone who's flawed and not at all beautiful. But I also didn't say I want someone who likes easy things. I want someone. Someone who'll give me wings to soar, and is strong enough as wind, to keep me high.

(And I know one day I'll laugh at this. Oh so emotional.)

2006-09-04T09:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just really wonder if I'm a good or bad person.
What actually makes a good person? If you do bad things for a good reason, what does that make you? When you say good things to someone, for the reason of not hurting him or her, even though you really think badly of them, what does that make you? When you help everyone, every day of your life, not for the sake of helping them but just to show off that you are "good", does that really make you good? Who can actually judge us? Is there some kind of written law to this?

When I close my eyes to pray at night, I know I am a good person, because I know which things to be grateful of and which things to ask forgiveness for. Sometimes I even think I am the kindest person I know. But when I truly open my eyes, the "kindness" that I thought I have, has limitations. Like when I see an old man selling tissue packets for a dollar, and I only have $3 which is just enough for a cheese prata, I would hesitate to buy those tissues for a moment. But of course in the end, the selfless side of me would win... or at least I felt too embarassed to myself, if not to the people who were surrounding me, to not buy them. And this is what I'm talking about. I did a good thing there, but for a moment I was thinking "I should not have bought these stupid tissue packets, now I can't eat cheese prata!" But I still did a good thing, didn't I? So what does that make me?

My dad said I am a good daughter. I never answered him back, I never defied him. And I thought I was, too. But now that I came to think of it, this is only because there never was an occassion that I would have answered him back. He loves me too much to see my mistakes, and so he just looks straight past them. But I am no good daughter, not anymore, I ain't. An occassion has occured, and it did prove me otherwise. :(

2006-08-19T13:08:00.000+08:00

This time, this place,
misused, mistakes.
Too long, Too late.
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance,
just one breath,
just in case there's just one left.
'Cause you know,
that I love you,
I have loved you all along.
And I miss you,
been far away for far too long.
I keep dreaming,
you'll be with me and you'll never go.
I'd stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.

So far away,
been far away for far too long.
But you know I wanted, I wanted you to stay.
'Cause I needed, I need to hear you say
that ''I love you, I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long.
So keep breathing 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore.
Believe it,
hold on to me and never let me go.."

2006-08-17T22:14:00.000+08:00

Boo! I missed Amaths paper.
When you start depending on drugs to fall asleep, what does that make you?
I don't want to take sleeping pills any more. I'm like effing 16years-old and I have to take pink little tablets to drown me into a half-dead phenomenon. No thank you.
Oh yeah, someone better take those pills and hide 'em away from me, 'coz heaven knows what use they'll be one day. Depression, sad case indeed.

Well, so much for this angsty prelude.
So it's 10:15 and still I'm here, not caring much about the fact that I need to get a full 8hrs sleep for my own goodness' sake. Crap. I'm going to die soon anyway. Nyahahaha. How soon is soon, really?

Blahblahblah. I talk too much, and all I hear is blahblahblah rantrantrant.
Brrooooooot!

Truth is, I cannot find any purpose. Any purpose at all, for anything.
Say, this post, what's my purpose in typing all this shit? Nobody cares anyway.
Think, going to school, what's the purpose? You learn, laugh, make friends, fail, excel. But what REALLY is the purpose of all that?
There's less to life than all those complications. Those complications, in fact, are just pigment of our own imaginative evolving mind. Just think, how happier life could have been if you need not get A1s for your exams; if you need not worry about your future because the future is no way different as the present. Think about all those geniuses, like Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, Da Vinci, they spent all their lives answering questions that are not meant to be questioned in the first place.
But as I was saying, there's less to life than that.
Live and let live. That says all. Go with the flow. Things happen for a reason. Whatever you do, whatever you say, they're all planned out like a mini-movie. And the results of your choices, they are meant to be that way too. Things happen for a reason.
So don't go around questioning people about things you don't understand. Because I'll tell you now, comrade,they're meant to be that way.

2006-08-11T18:58:00.000+08:00

If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

2006-08-10T11:21:00.000+08:00

I would rather be alone than be with someone who would rather not be with me.
gawd you made me hate you so much.
And the idea of being alone, parasiting on other people like someone unwanted is unbearable. But as I've said, I'd rather that than be a second choice. Geez I really hate you.
But not hate hate as in hate, just hate enough that I have to mind my own beeswax and you have to mind your own.

And please, please, don't call me babe.

2006-08-04T18:56:00.000+08:00

Identity crisis is an agony.

I would want that to be the topic of my post today, but I'm so not in the mood for a long post. Next week is a short week. I'm looking forward to it.

The thing about screwing school for no reason is that: when you have to miss school, finally for a valid reason, you just can't, because you finally banged some sense into yourself and you're actually feeling guilty about screwing it.

I love the school's old system which is now the new system. Heeeee. I like.
And I love the people surrounding me. They're not really too much to mention, but I'm tired. And I'm lazy.

Have a fun weekend y'all.

2006-07-31T15:55:00.000+08:00

CREEP - Radiohead
I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here...

The thing is, I'm not in the mood to blog.
Chill.

2006-07-20T17:55:00.000+08:00

'When you will not fly into a passion people know you are stonger than they are, because you are strong enough to hold in your rage, and they are not, and they say stupid things they wish they hadn't said afterward. There is nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in - that's stronger.'

A Little Princess
Frances Hodgson Burnett

2006-07-11T19:30:00.000+08:00

I use to hate it when people point out my flaws. But not anymore, I don't. You can say and think whatever you want. Waste your time if you must. But I'm not gonna do the same.
The thing you always talk of as such that you never cared about, is actually what you most care of.
People talk about other people because they're jealous. That's basic psychology. Or otherwise, they just have too much spare time, and really need to get a life.